Monday, May 08, 2006

holiday.

all i really wanted was to spend some time at home, waking up to the afternoon sun on my face. hang out with my dad, maybe go riding and he'd take me new places, " places in singapore i bet you've never seen in your life!". spend the lull of midday on the sofa with my dog on my lap, pondering the mysteries of life and love mapped in his wavy brown fur. play the piano and write some songs on guitar. read all those books that people have bought me, i've borrowed.

but the holidays never turn out that way. ever since exams ended, its just been people. i celebrate end of my second year at nus with a date with my tuition kid. the next day there's a comm meeting. the next day there's a team meeting from 10-4pm, after which i go give tuition to another boy. then on polling day, i give tuition again, to the first kid. sunday after church (another stream of faces, none of whom i say anything particularly meaningful to) i go for lunch with my family, then i give tuition from 2:30-6:30pm and my new tuition kid really tests my patience. i go running with the twins and it takes my mind off things for a while. the next day i drag my sleep-deprived body to school for a whole day of meeting followed by an unusually long AGM. and tomorrow, after team meeting at 4pm, i'm rushing off to give tuition at bukit timah from 4:30-6:30, then rushing off for more tuition from 7:30-8:30. ok, so i do have the young adults retreat, but i'll still have to prepare the devotion, and well, there'll be lots of people there too. i mean, there's a bbq, and i hate the awkward bbq socializing with ppl i don't really know, and who probably think i'm still in secondary school. rantrantwhinewhine.

i'm sick of having to deal with people.

well, no, not really. i'm not sick of my dad or my brothers. i'm sick of the multitude. i'm sick of watching group dynamics play out, i'm sick of seeing endless faces, plastering on a faked smile, which passes notice, because its spread so thin. i'm sick of making small talk.

i wish i had talked to the year 4s today at AGM, seeing as to how it'll be hard for me to see them again. i wanted to wish them well, to thank them. but by then, i was sinking into this anti-social sulk. to think i had to end it that way.

but at the same time, i just wished to be alone. i want to bolt, i thought to myself as i was sitting there. run for cover to the nearest toilet, where i'd possibly find some solitude. but i couldn't move.

but i should go sleep, long day ahead, and a whole long list of sponsors to contact, so i gotta sound chirpy, or awake, at least. maybe tomorrow will be better.

maybe not.

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